The stupid book of Sirius Black
by Kaitylyn
Summary: Doesn't the title say it all? well, its Sirius Black's book, but it currently belonged to Lily Evans, but it was thrown at him. anyways, just fun and pointless. Please revies if you read it :
1. Chapter one dun dun dun

If you where a 6th year that attended Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry at the time of "The Marauders" (dun dun dun) The you would be able to see Sirius Black mock Lily Evans and have her throw a random book from her bag at him.

The book rebounded off of his head and landed at his feet on the floor "Groveling for forgiveness seeing the pain you have caused the lump on my head?" Sirius asked looking down.

"Did you just talk to the book that I just chucked at your head?" Lily asked sceptically

"Maybe." Sirius said, not taking his eyes off the book.

Lily stormed off and Sirius sat on the sofa in front of the crackling fire of the Gryffindor common room, Sirius examined the book, he liked it, on the cover it read "Diary" Sirius saw out of the corner of his eye none other than James Potter walk by.

"Prongs, whats a ... diary?" Sirius asked, James shrugged and continued his walk.

Sirius took his new book to his dormitory and sat on his bed, looking at it.

Then the bright idea hit him, 'Why don't I open it?' he thought as he flipped open the front cover.

Thats when it all begins...

Inside cover

_This diary is property of Lily Evans_

Thats the first thing that had to go, Sirius took out a quill and violently crossed out the name and replaced it with Sirius Black.

First page

_Dear Diary..._

"Bla bla bla" Sirius said ripping out the first several pages that where, in his opinion, scribbled in stupid girly hand writing unfit to read.

Finding a blank page Sirius Black started his own Diary...

_Dear stupid book. Today is Nov. 17th _

_I don't know if you are aware of this but you now belong to me, Sirius Black, you should feel honored, I risked my life to save you from the hands of that Lily Evans. _

_Grr. _

_I had to sneak into the girls dormitory's, a feat, before now, thought impossible._

_I stole you out of the clutching hands of that red haired witch, and now you are mine._

_OK, fine, Lily thew you at me, but who cares, your mine now ether way._

_Where shall I start... I am the famous Sirius Black._

_I am friends with Messrs Moony. Wormtail and Prongs._

_I am an animagis._

_I am damn sexy._

_I am in my sixth year at Hogwarts._

_I am damn sexy._

_And I now own you! HAHAHA and Evans doesn't! HAHAHA._

"Sirius, what in God's name are you laughing so hysterically about?" Remus Lupin asked, having just come into the room and plopped down on his bed.

"And whats with the book?" Remus added

"The book" Sirius said "THE BOOK! THIS IS NOT JUST ANY BOOK! THIS IS **MY **BOOK!" Sirius shouted

Remus raised his hands, "I never thought id see the day when Sirius Black read a book." he said

"I am not 'reading' a book, I am ... writing in a book!" Sirius said triumphantly

"You mean like a diary?" Remus asked laughed.

"Don't mock me!" Sirius yelled, throwing something random at Moony from the floor, which turned out to be underwear.

_Don't worry, I showed him for teasing you. Your my book! My diary! Nobody shall tease you!_

_Except for me._

_Well, anyway, now you know all about me, so what about you?_

_Well, I see that you don't talk much..._

_Hmm, whats that on the floor?_

_Its shiny_

_and on one end its pointy._

_Its looks like jewelery._

_I shall pick it up!_

_o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0_

_Never pick up anything pointy from the pointy side._

_Ouch._

_Stupid earing!_

_I shall kick it!_

_o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o_

_Bad idea._

_(note) never step on anything pointy._

_Without shoes._

_Or socks._

_AHA! There is James, I shall go ask him how asking your previous owner out went._

_o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o0o0o0o_

_(note) never do that again! _

_Ever!_

_Now I have a depressed best friend, any suggestions?_

_Apparently not._

_Well, I the great, all mighty, All powerful, Damn sexy man, shall now go eat... food, it is now 9:00PM so I shall sneak down to the kitchens, don't wait up._

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

_I see that you waited up for me, my dear book, even if my so-called-best-friends did not. _

_Thats the last straw! _

_First they tease you!_

_Then they get all depressed than they refuse to go to the kitchens and get a snack with me, claiming that supper was only a few hours ago._

_And now they don't even wait up!_

_That is it I tell you... _

_I have a proposition._

_Wow, big word, where did I learn it? (He ponders)_

_Anyway, my dear stupid book, you shall me my new best friend! _

_Well, all that decided, I shall now ... Go to bed! HAHAHA. _

_O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o_

_12:00AM, Nov. 18_

_Hello again._

_I have, yet another note:_

_Never eat sugar if you expect to fall asleep!_

_Never..._

_ever..._

_I'm never ever going to get to sleep again, I'm wide awake._

_Never..._

_ever..._

_ever..._

_(large blot where writer's face smeared against the wet ink) _

_o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o\_

_10:30AM Nov. 18_

_Hello again, best friend._

_I am now in the middle of Charms class._

_It is not fun._

_My once best friend where very jealous of you when I told them about us this morning at breakfast._

Remembers the incident)

Sirius comes in and sits down at the breakfast table and starts wolfing down fried eggs and deliciously prepared bacon and tender golden brown toast... (hungry yet?)

Then the other 3 marauders come down.

"Padfoot! Why didn't you wake us, we hardly have enough time for breakfast now!" James exclaimed, taking a seat next to Sirius and stuffing his face.

"I only wake up my friends." Sirius said

"We're your friends." Peter said from across the table, although he didn't seem to sure.

"No, no your not. You haven't treated me very well so I went and got a new best friend." Sirius said, turning up his nose.

"I'm sure you did, and where is this now-best-friend?" Remus asked from the other side of James.

Sirius tapped the book that was beside his plate.

"Your kidding!" James said threw laughter

more laughter.

Now all the marauders where laughing.

Now the whole table was laughing.

Now Dumbledore laughed from the head table, well, actually his lips didn't move, but

Sirius was sure that he had laughed.

OK, so they all showed there jealousy for not being his friend by laughing, hey, if thats how they dealt with tragic losses it was none of his business.

(back to the diary, memory is over)

_There where so upset._

_There probably crying right this second._

_I shall look around._

_o0o0o0o0o_

_Well, they where not crying _exactly_, but they where obviously devastated._

_James was staring at Lily Evans with goo goo eyes, which clearly meant he was thinking of ME._

_Remus was reading, clearly showing he was thinking of you and me ,my dear diary. Pure jealousy._

_Peter was scribbling madly trying to get every word that Flitwick said, he was obviously burying himself in his work because he was thinking about how badly he had treated ME._

_And that pretty blond in the back row was giving ME goo goo eyes._

_And ... wait ... thats it._

_Well, they are obviously very upset._

_Oh and don't get me started on your old owner, Evans, she was obviously so upset that I no longer help James by begging her to go out with him._

_Yeah, she likes me._

_Is not her fault really, sure all of those diary pages I ripped out of you said things like Lily Evans + James Potter Love._

_But that just means... wait, I don't know why she did that, but it means she likes ME. HAHAHA. _

_Its almost funny how every body else is so oblivious to what happens here._

**Hey, please read and review, well, I think you might have already read the story if your are now reading this... (Ponders)... anyway! I hope you liked it, I really don't know how good it is, I just wrote it... it is now 8:51 PM and I haven't slept much in the past two days... **

**Well, I'm just going to continue babbling on...**

**babble babble babble... OK thats it. **

**Bye **

**KatrinaLee**


	2. Chapter two: Monkeyness

_**November the 24th.**_

_**Potions classroom.**_

_**1:05 P.M**_

_Potions class with Professor Slughorne. _

_What fun. My dear little friend, there is something that you must learn in this cruel, vengeful world. _

_Never sit behind Severus Snape. I can smell the greasiness! Eww! I envy you for you cannot smell. _

_Or can you?_

_(silence)_

_Wouldn't it be so funny if I just . **Cough. **Accidentally added some Zonko's exploding powder to my EX best friends potion?_

_.(more silence)_

_..I'm glad you agree. I shall be back! **heroic music plays in the background.**_

TtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTt

Sirius, ever so stealthily sneaks over to Jame's Potter's "levitation potion" He then distracts them all expertly and ever so quickly slips a fine powder into the bubbling yellow substance thats held in the brass cauldron.

Translation: Sirius, only managing to knock over 5 beakers of various potion ingredients on his way to James' cauldron. Then, by creating a scene by pointing at a wall and yelling "FIRE MONKEY! FIRE MONKEY!" While everyone is "distracted" AKA, staring at him as though he had just transformed into a seedless grape. He throws the exploding powder in the general direction of the cauldron and some actually goes in. Then he runs like a mad man back to his seat.

There is a loud **poof** of smoke from James' cauldron and a big yellow clock flies out. Yes flies. It has wings, great big wings that look like ... really big wings ... with scales.

And yes I am aware I misspelled flies. Or at least I think I did.

In horror Sirius looks down at the packet from which he had got the "zonko's exploding powder" from, he realized that that is not actually what it was.

Isn't this sad.

_**November the 24th.**_

_**Hospital Wing. Detention.**_

_**9:16 P.M**_

_Why did you talk me into doing that? You are such a mean,backstabbing book! You evil! Deceiving! ... Don't look at me like that. ... ... ... ... I'm sorry! How could I ever be mad at you! _

_**( Large wet spot on paper )**_

_I wasn't crying._

_Well, this is a fun way to pass the time. Instead of scrubbing bedpans I can talk to you. Or... er ... write. Oh well. Same thing ... sort of._

_I'm so hungry! They made me miss supper! I just may starve... I want you to know, I leave all my possessions to you. _

_I see a bright light!_

_Their coming for me!_

_No ..wait .. its just a window... I shall bide my time._

_I'm hungry._

_No, cancel that ... I am starving! Or famished! Whichever is hungrier. _

_Oh! Pudding!_

_**November the 24th.**_

_**Hospital wing. Detention.**_

_**9:22 P.M**_

_Oh dear Lord. _

_That was far from pudding! _

_Who would do that?_

_Evil beings ... thats who. _

_Well I've lost my apatite,I must go now and rinse my mouth. . .. For the 49th time._

_**November the 24th**_

_**Still the Hospital wing. Still serving detention.**_

_**9: 34 P.M**_

_Madam Pomphrey caught me rinsing my mouth. _

_She made me stop._

_She is such a monkey spanker._

_She is reading this over my shoulder right now. _

_**November the 25th**_

_**Boys dormitories.**_

_**8:00P.M**_

_That old monkey spanking. Wet. Sad... I have no words awful enough to describe this person. I don't even want to say -er- write her name. So from now on she will be referred to as ... stuffed monkey. Yes. Thats it. Stuffed monkey! Aren't I creative!_

_Fine, thats what Remus called the Slytherin quidditch team captain last year. But still I get some credit for remembering it ... don't I?_

_You are so hypocritical. _

_Yes.. I do know what that means! I'm not a window! Or a ... paper weight._

_So, because the **cough** stuffed monkey ... saw what I wrote, I was in the hospital wing all day today scrubbing tongue depressors! _

_Isn't that just sad?_

_I mean, we don't even use them after somebody else has... Do we?_

Sirius cringed and silently made a vow to NEVER GET SICK AGAIN!

_**November the 26th.**_

_**Hospital wing.**_

_**12:00 P.M**_

_I am sick._

_Now I must suffer though the ... stuffed monkey ... prodding me with Reused tongue depressors! _

_How cruel is this world!_

_Oh look. Its my old friends coming to see if I'm all right?_

_If they think I'm just going to open up to them with open arms they've got another thing coming. I'll tell you that right now!_

TtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTt

"Look Padfoot. I'm sorry if we made you feel ... unwanted." James started, staring at his shoes.

"And sad." Peter added.

"And useless." Remus cut in.

"And possibly stressed enough to start writing in some book." Peter added again.

"Well, you think I'm just going to forgive and forget ... Sirius was cut off.

James held out a chicken leg.

"I missed you guys!" Sirius said, hugging his friends in a totally manly way and then grabbing the chicken leg and devouring it.

As he did you he chucked the book across the room.

At the sound of something hard slamming up against the floor of the hospital wing, Lily Evans peeked around the corner to see a worn leather diary on the floor.

"Hey, this is mine..." she started.

She looked around at the guys and quickly opened it to make sure.

Only to see her name scratched out and replaced with..

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Lily bellowed.

There was a loud squeaking noise.

"Hide me."Sirius whimpered.

TtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTt

**A/N: I have no idea where this all came from. Very random... And short. I needed stress relief.**

**Major high fives to JosieMegan! My bestest fwend eber! Who gave me random object names.**

**That was sad.**

**Anyways. Please review. Or don't bother. I s'pose it doesn't really matter much. My story sucks either way. LOL.**

**Ttul x0x. Much l0ve KatrinaLee**


	3. Chapter three: I told you! 3! count them

It was hard getting his diary back from Evans. But, If anyone could manage it, it would be Sirius Black.

He skillfully dove from his bed, grabbed the book from mid-air. Did a somersault upon landing. Clutched the diary next to his chest and ran silently from the hospital area.

Translation: Sirius jumped from the bed. Padded over to Lily. Grabbed the book. Then ran before she could hurt him. Because pain is a very bad thing.

Sirius laid the 'Diary' down on his bed "I have a friend for you to meet." Sirius said, digging in his robes pocket.

He pulled out a small black book and placed it beside the bigger book. "This, is the sacred book that contains all of the girls addresses." Sirius said, as if he where actually introducing someone.

"Padfoot, mate, your talking to a BOOK, say it with me now... book... b-o-o-k." James said from the next bed over.

"Don't mind him my lovelies, hes just jealous because the only address he has in his little black book is Lily Evans and he only got that by following her one day." Sirius said, smiling.

"I was not following her! She lent me a quill and I was just returning it to her!" James insisted.

"Prongs, sorry mate but she lent you that quill in first year and technically after your kept it for three she just considered it gone and you know it." Sirius said, then he replaced the small black book back in his robes pocket and pulled out a quill and started to scribble in his 'diary'.

_Dear best friend in the whole world and way better best friend than James Potter ever was, today is November the 27th and the time is... .hold on... stupid watch ... why wont the wrist band just stay! 8:24! hahaha._

_Well, today, as you know was very stressful, I had to do my own homework! Can you believe that! By my self! No ... wait... you remember... you wouldn't help me! Traitor! You are no friend of mine! _

_(words are smeared from impact with wall) _

_Oh! my dear friend, I am so sorry, but thats what friends do isn't it? Fight and then APOLOGIES! Something James Potter, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrey would have never done, and never did for that matter! _

_Oops! I spelled Wormtails name wrong, I spelled it P-E-T-T-I-G-R-E-Y thats not how you spell his name is it? What am I asking you for! You don't know! But thats OK, I love you anyway, don't I? Yes, yes I do._

_Excuse me for a moment please..._

_o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0_

Sirius looked over at James and said "Hear that Jame? Me and my friend here love each other." he said.

"I'm very happy for you, I hope you get married and have lots and lots of kids." James said, not taking his noes out of his textbook.

Sirius scowled at him "Your just upset that I've found someone and your stuck chasing Evans like a lost puppy." Sirius said.

Suddenly he found himself hung in the air, James had put a hex on him. "Don't go there." James said warningly.

"Oh, little Jamesie Poo is sensitive about the Evans issue." Sirius mocked.

James glared at Sirius until Sirius fell down, the curse having had its timespan run out, and he disappeared on the other side of the bed.

He soon reappeared however, flipping his hair "Thats OK, I look sexy even when I've just been dropped from mid-air." Sirius claimed, crawling back onto his bed in front of the open book.

Suddenly the door opened and in came Remus, soaking wet and smelling like...

"Moony, why do you smell like lemons? Sirius asked

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Please! -Oh fine! I fell over something when I was in the kitchens and landed in a bucket of cleaning detergent." Remus said, clopping over to his bed and laying down.

"Oh, oops." Sirius said.

Then he went back to writing.

_That wasn't me! Who said it was me! I'm going to bed and STOP ACCUSING ME! _

And with that Sirius crawled into bed and fell asleep.

_Hello, it is now 10:00 AM. The 27th. _

_I slept until now... I am tired ... hey theres Evans cat, why is it the boys dorms? Bloody cat, I shall gently scoot it out of the room ... using my foot ... be right back._

_O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o_

_Never let me -ouch- do that -ouch- again! -ouch- Ever! _

_ouch._

_.You are such a bad friend._

_But thats OK. I shall forgive you because I am forgiving. And sexy. But I really don't see what that has to do with this. OH well._

_There is nothing to talk about._

_Oh! I know!_

_Where you aware James has a bald spot on the very back of his head?_

_Well, not you are aware._

_Aware. I like that word. Its pretty. Aware._

_O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o_

Sirius Leaps up from his bed and starts doing the funky chicken, while singing "aware. Aware. Aware." over repeatedly.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0

_Oh. sure. You laugh now but that dance will be really popular some day. Why you ask? because I invented it! Ha! Bet you didn't know that did ya! _

_It will be the most popular dance of all time. Unlike that hip-hop crap._

_Oh! And you know what the most popular song will be?_

_It shall be my song._

_Yes it shall. Do you want to hear my song? Of course you do. Who wouldn't want to see a sexy boy dancing the funky chicken and singing perfectly on tune?_

_O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0_

_Apparently James... and Remus ... and Peter._

_I hate them._

_The swots._

_For a different tune. I found this magazine just laying on the floor in the common room and I decided to read it. _

_It had all these spells for doing your hair. And despite what James says. Its is NOT a witch magazine! T'is not!_

_OK, fine it t'is. But it still showed me a spell to straighten my hair. I'm going to try it now. I bet I'll look good with straight hair. I mean, why wouldn't I? I look good all the time, why wouldn't I look good with straight hair! Are you accusing me of not looking good with hair that is straight!_

_How dare you._

_You haven't even seen me with straight hair!_

_I shall go prove you wrong!_

_O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o00o0o0o0o0o0o0_

Sirius crossed his legs on his bed and flipped out his wand. Looking very smug about something.

"Padfoot. What are you doing? Or do I want to know?" Remus asked as Sirius put his want to his hair.

There was a loud poof and Sirius held up a mirror.

"FROG BALLS!"

Remus was now laughing so hard it looked like he had major internal damage.

This will not go freely.

**A / N: I know this chapter was very, very sad. I found it on my computer hard drive and posted it. I'm so cool. Just kidding. I might replace this chapter later. Mainly because it sucks and partly because I don't know what the genetics of a frog actually are. Actually, I don't intend to find out either. Eww. Please review. **


	4. Chapter four: call me Ingrid

_**November the 29th**_

_**Sometime after Potions but before Divination.**_

_Ah, my dear, we meet again. TAHAHAHAHAHA... HA. I have very important news for you! Tis shocking yes it is! _

It happened during Transfiguration class, here are the notes...

_And the key, because I'm sure you can't be bothered to decipher who's writing goes with who's who with extra whoooo. _

KEY!!!!  
James**  
_Remus  
_**_Mr. Amazing (i.e – me)_

_-------- -------- ------- ---------- ------------_

Breaking news on the Lily front!

_Oh dear, that doesn't sound good, now does it Remus?_

_**No, not good at all. Well, not good for Lily anyways.**_

She agreed to go out with me!!!!!!

_GASP! Really? Was she drugged? _

No, not to my knowledge.

_**Maybe you dreamed it.**_

No, not to my knowledge.

_Maybe it wasn't really her._

Shut it, Paddy.

_Did you just call me Paddy?_

_**Yes, I believe he did.**_

_Oh my._

--------- --------- --------- ----------- -----------

_Yes, and that is the whole shocking case. I didn't believe it at first but Prongs insisted it to be true! Oh my! I know! I was quite shocked as well!  
_

_You know what this means?  
_

_... _

You don't, do you?

_Well, I'll tell you, because you obviously don't know. Lily has been kidnapped by aliens, and they have taken over her body and now they are after James. _

They are going to eat his brain.

_I don't think you understand the seriousness of this situation!!!! This is horrible!!!! James' poor mushy little brain is going to become some aliens pudding!!!! _

Poor James.

Let us take a moment of silence for him.

_Okay, moment over. Now, onto the next bit of breaking news for the day which is far far more important than anything that has to do with James' brain. I am going to be on a poster!_

_Thats right! You heard me! _

A real, live, moving poster! That will hang in a shop somewhere!

And all the pretty girls will look at it and think "Oh, my, what a nice looking lad!"

_and then they will feint. _

Maybe they can put my owling address on the bottom of the poster somewhere so they can drop me a note now and then, eh?

_I know your dieing to know how it happened,so I shall tell you in a -wait for it- memory flashback!!!!!!! _

Alright, here we go...

There I was, casually walking along the streets of Hogsmead, flicking my hair and so on when this fellow (about a million years old and rather smelly) comes up to me...

He said "Hello there, my name is Archibald Somethingorother and I need a model for an add I'm running for the new Cleansweeps. I was wondering if you would like to be in it?"

I said no.

HA! Got you there!

"I s'pose..." I said, with this great air of dignity and supreme awsomeness. But hey, thats me, no need to be surprised, really.

"Alrighty then, lad, just stop my my office tomorrow at four and we can arrange suitable payment and so forth." and he handed me a business card and trolloped off to frighten small children, or something of that nature.

-AND OF FLASHBACK!!! oops, I mean END! END OF FLASHBACK!-

_And I spose your wondering how I got to Hogsmead, eh? Well, I know things. Secret things. Like secret passageways to get to the remarkable Hogsmead with out anyone else knowing! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_And I also know that a nick-nack is a small collectible thinger, often found in the houses of the elderly. Like, you know, little bobble headed dogs and collectible mushrooms and so on. _

I know, its shocking how knowledgeable I am, isn't it?

Back to the subject. I am going to be a model!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA!

-We interrupt this diary entry for an important news broadcast-

(Not really, don't worry.)

James came strolling into the common room like a strolling thing, head held high in the air, oblivious to the fact that his brain is going to be eaten.

"Sirius, mate?"

"Yes, here, no, not there, no... no...no ... BEHIND THE SOFA YOU FOOL!"

Finally having found his friend James looked behind the sofa, arms folded, looking quite concerned.

"Remus sent me to talk to you." he said.

"And why has Remus sent you to talk to me when he could quite easily have gotten off his hairy bum and talked to me himself?"

"Well, because I am more your size, so its less likely that you would kill me."

"Why would I-

Sirius was cut off as James grabbed Sirius' diary and gracefully (not) ran away.

Sirius paused for a moment before calmly getting up and following James out of the portrait hole and out into the corridors.

"Why did you do that?" he asked, obviously confused.

"Because, Sirius, Peter and Remus and I all agree that you are spending too much time with this book. That and Lily wants it back."

Sirius blinked at him.

James blinked back.

They stood there blinking at each other for almost a full minute before Sirius grabbed his book back and calmly walked back up to the common room.

---------- ----------- ------------ ----------- ---------- -------------

_Sorry about that, James has clearly not had enough fiber today. _

I just wanted to say "adios" because I am off to Divination, and then I have a date with a nice little lady named ... wait um... I forget, but don't worry, I'll remember sometime before our date.

_Anyways, I've got to go, because Professor Sheepsbreath gets quite cranky if I am late for class. _

I don't blame her, I am amazing. It is understandable that she would miss me.

_KkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKk_

_**4:00PM  
Divination **_

Boring...

_so desperately boring... _

James is acting all high and mighty because his brain is going to be gobbled up.

Oh, wait, I didn't actually tell him about that, did I?

Maybe I should tell him...

Nahhh. You can do that, I can't be bothered for I am now on the path to becoming a famous poster star.

_Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, Professor Sheepsbum has informed me that I will fall down a flight of stairs today. _

How pleasant.

On the plus side everybody knows that Divination is all a hoax, and not to be believed.

_KkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKk_

_**Sirius has asked me to tell you that he will not be writing today for he has broken both of his arms in a very tragic accident involving a girl and a trick step **_

Yours truly,

_**Remus Lupin.**_

_KkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKkKKkKkKkK _

"Oh, and don't forget to add that the girls name was Ingrid. And that I will never go out with her again."

"And should I add the reason why you will never go out with her again?"

"Yes."

"What is the reason?"

"That she is very violent, and pushed me down the steps."

"Indeed."

**Yeah, thats right, another chapter. I know your shocked. It was short, and pointless, but thats what makes it funny :)  
And before you go, I want to try out subliminal messages with you, okay? Now, I want you to read the following word twenty times. **

Review.

**Did you do it? Did you read it 20 times? Good, now, review. You know, click the little button at the bottom of the computer screen and type up something about how you laughed and laughed for hours after reading this? Pretty please?  
Okie dokie,  
BYE!  
-Kat**


	5. Chapter five: they call it taurine

_TWO DAYS LATER_

COMMON ROOM.

BORED_._

Thats right, you heard me. After the tragic breaking of both my arms (and also the healing) I have been sent to rest and also do nothing. Okay, so I was actually sent back to class. Tom-ay-toe tom-ahh-toe. But for me to be the brilliant person I completely am (hold your laughter) I decided to come back here to rest up. But it is hard to rest. I am bored. Tragically bored.

Oh boredome, boredome, g o AWAY. Rain on somebody ELSES parade.

You like my song don't you.

Well, your the brains of this operation (ha) so give me something to do.

YES! YOUR RIGHT! I SHOULD DEFINITELY SNEAK INTO THE GIRLS DORMITORIES!

Brilliant you are.

But don't get a big head about it, nobody likes people who are big headed.

Sincerely, Sirius the amazing.

Hiding his book in the giant sofa cushions, Sirius crept up to the stairs leading to the deserted girls dormitories. Luckily for him they where too busy having a staring contest with the stairs leading to the boys dormitories to change into a slide and send him into a wall or something.

"Hmm. What to do." he muttered to himself as he pushed the door open.

Charlie Angel style, Sirius scoped out the room before somersaulting over to the nearest trunk. An engraving on the top read Lily Evans in big letters. Regardless to privacy he flipped the top open.

"Wonder who this could belong too. Finders keepers I spose."

Inside the trunk was organized neatly into a series of sections. One held a stack of perfectly folded cardigans and jeans, the next held more boring things like quills and test answers and illegal dragon eggs and the last held something that peaked Sirius' curiosity. Seven lined up orange cans. He picked one up and read the navy blue and white printed words. "Red Rain. ™ Energy drink with Taurine." _Hmmmm._

Gracefully turning it around in his hands he skimmed the caution label. A bunch of _no more than two a day_ stuff and some _not recommended for children _and don't forget the _do not consume more than 500ml per day._ "Rubbish."

With a quick look both ways he clipped off the top and swallowed the first, second, third, fourth and fifth whole. 

"S'not working." he muttered.

Suddenly with a flourish, Sirius jumped up on the nearest bed and started hopping up and down ripping the pillows up with his teeth. (no, definitely not working.)

By the time Lily came up and found him he had downed the last two. He heard the door open and then looked up to see Lily watching his wide eyed as he rooted through her things.

"Those are some BAD STAIRS!" he yelled, pointing at the door his hand shaking violently as if he had escaped from the mental asylum. Obviously not falling for his ploy he tried again.

"FUZZY PURPLE BUNNIES!"

"Sirius ple-"

"AND DOGS IN LITTLE DOGGIE HATS WITH -uh- SPOTS!"

"Sirius what the hell are you doing?" she demanded, hands on her hips. He was not going to get out of this. She was going to have him killed! Or hung! Or both! He would be like that guy who was hung, and then decapitated, and then his head was put up on the London bridge for gulls to peck at!!!

Sirius did the only thing he thought he could manage; he dove for the window... but it was painted shut. So instead he turned back to her and fell at her feet, crying and shaking.

"LILY, I am SOOO sorry.I didn't mean to HURT YOU! I didn't mean to MAKE YOU CRY. Do you really want to HURT ME? Do you really want to MAKE ME CRYYYY."

"Get out of my room."

"Can do."

--------------------------------

_10pm. Bottom of girls staircases. Shaking.___

Ahem.

_There will be NO MENTION of a certain individual NOT ME who drank TOO MANY energy drinks and went streaking through the Great Hall. NO MENTION GODDAMN IT!_

But there will be mention that I am in luurrvee and it is with a girl and she is foxy.

Very foxy.

Very very very very very foxy.

...but not in a hairy fox like way at ALL

Since I know your DYING to know I will tell you how I met her and that was after I was streaking I went to hide my shame (aka hide from the teachers who where looking to murder me for naked display or some rubbish like that) and she was HIDING THERE TOO! AND I KNOW HER NAME! Its uh.. JOANIE. Yes. Joanie. And she is foxy and I lurrrve her. She is in Ravenclaw.

That is all. 

--------------------------------  
_Lunchtime, next day. Approximately time of lunch every day._

_I have more notes for you, my handsome little book of wonders:)_

They are about my luuurrrveer. :) :) :) :)

KEYY!!!!!! (in case you forgot from last time) :) :) :) and also (L) which is a gang symbol for luurvee because I am in luurrrrve.

James.  
_**Remus**_**  
**_Me._

------------------------  
  
So Lily told me that you were in her bedroom?  
_  
GODDAMN IT. She promised to keep our sordid love affair a secret._

_**Sordid? Padfoot, have you been reading my dictionary again?**_

_Yes, as a matter of fact I have, and why exactly is the name Sirius scribbled in beside arrogant? I am the complete opposite of arrogant. _

So why were you in Lily's bedroom?

_Because I am the handsomer of the two._

_**Don't you mean three?**_

_No._

Harsh.

_**Indeed!**_

BUT WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN HER ROOM?

_Stealing her panties._

-Large rip in parchment from Evans harshly grabbing parchment from hands. -

Alright, thats enough. Sirius stole all my energy drinks and was definitely not anywhere near my panties. You could have figured that out by yourselves, because if he HAD by chance been in even the nearest vicinity of my panties he would no longer have the genitals to produce children.

-Lily.

_Well, that was quite harsh.  
__**  
I would say well deserved.**_

_Shush._

So now that thats settled, Padfoot come here I need to have a look at your genitalia.

_Prongs, we've discussed this. I just CAN'T. I've known you for too long, and also I will be needing them for tonight because of my BIG DATE._

(_Ahem, this is where SHE comes in.)_

(and also note how I CASUALLY slipped the date thing in there? Since obviously this note is all about my lovely friend James and Lily and all that, and I am a good friend and wanted to let him have his moment of glory.

(which is now over, by the way)

_**You know her name this time?**_

_Of course._

_**Where are you going for this so called date? You have detention tonight... And also every night for the rest of your life if I'm not very well mistaken.**_

_Detention, detention. Nothing can separate such star crossed lovers, now I must make my exit so that I may get ready for my date!!!!! (and also :) (L) (L) (L) )_

------------------------

Wish me luck my handsome darling, because Joanie and I are just about to make our dramatic exit. CHOW as the French would say. (Thats what she is. Shes French. (L) (L) (L) )

------------------------

_**NNNNNNNNNNNNNNN**_

------------------------

I, Remus for your information, would just like to set a few things perfectly straight. _**Please do not attempt to drink that much energy drink ever for a few reasons. 1. it may end up in producing a chapter like this. 2. it may also kill you.**_

And also, just for your information I DEFINITELY get just as many IF NOT MORE girls than Sirius. I just don't FLAUNT them like he does because that would be rude. With that said I must go finish my Runes homework... but I ... just wanted to ... clear all that up.

And we all know Chow is not actually French, Sirius is just an idiot.

Sincerely, Remus J. Lupin. 

_--------------------------------  
-------------------------------  
-------------------------------_

Well, that just about clears this chapter up. Please review. Perhaps even if you hated it because for the good of the world it would enable me from making many more chapters at the least.

-xo-

_****_

__

_  
___


End file.
